Eve is sitting in a carrot field munching a carrot. This is part of the Garden of Eden’s carrot industry and is government-subsidized.
“Tastes like chemicals,” says Eve.
“Don’t ask,” says God.
“Hey,” Eve says. “I’ve been meaning to ask You what happened to the apple tree. You know, the one of Knowledge of Good and Evil? I haven’t seen it lately.”
“They cut it down for firewood. Why?”
“Why did they do that?”
“It was cold that winter. They thought it was dead.”
“Cold weather sounds like a good excuse to cuddle. They were building fires instead? Let me guess. Adam made that decision. Nobody asked if I wanted a fire. I liked that tree, and the pattern its bare branches made in the sky. Is that why everything is so flat? All for carrots? Bad ones? Practically tasteless, these carrots. I’m glad they’re free. I sure wouldn’t pay good money for them.”
“They’re not free.”
“You have to pay for them.”
Eve gags, spits out the orange pulp and throws the rest of the carrot away. “You’re kidding. They don’t even make good compost. Why would anyone pay for them?”
“They’re contributing to the economy.”
“You know. The economy.”
Eve looks around and sees nothing but carrot tops and deafening machines raising dust and spewing clouds of smelly smoke. The machine noise makes it hard to hear God’s answer, so soft-spoken is She.
Eve says, “What can I say? I’ve been raising children. This is what Adam was doing? He says he’s been playing golf.”
“He has been playing golf. The machines do all the work.”
“How stupid is that?” Eve asks. “Golf is boring. I’d rather do something useful.”
“They don’t know how.”
“Of course they know how. Adam drives a Ford Expedition. He’s a good driver. He’s coming back in a little while. I wanted a fresh carrot, so he drove me here.”
All of a sudden Eve hears sirens. Four police get out of two separate patrol cars, come running across the field with guns out, and converge on Eve. They book her for trespassing, theft, and vandalism, put the half-eaten piece of evidence in a plastic bag, and haul Eve off in handcuffs.
God looks on. Eve starts yelling at Her, screaming, “You knew this was going to happen! You must really hate me! All I wanted was one carrot!”
For this, Eve is put in the mental unit of the prison hospital, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and the paranoid delusion that God speaks to her.
She quiets down when she is hoarse from screaming, but by then they have pumped her so full of patented antipsychotic, anti-anxiety, anticonvulsant, and anti-depression medications that she is really hallucinating. She hears God laughing uproariously at her predicament.
“Let’s see how you get out of this one, Cookie, she hears God saying. You think women are so great?”
“When did You turn into a male?” Eve replies, though her words are garbled because of the drugs. “I liked you better as a female.”
“I am all things to all men,” says God. “You need a man right now.”
“No. I need a key. Can you conjure one of those?”
“You’re strapped down and couldn’t walk if you tried, so drugged up are you. You’re safe where you are. Never fear. I’m here for you.”