CHURCH OF THE HOLIER THAN THOU, INCORPORATED
A for-profit religion where nothing is sacred, and human sacrifice is obligatory
SERMON ON THE MOUND
Eve of 2007
The following sermon was delivered at a 2007 New Year’s Eve bonfire
Dear Worried Souls:
Take Heart! the Worst is yet to come. Witness this miserable mound of machine age offal. Wasted resources compounded daily–advertising, packaging, junk mail, paperwork, broken equipment—a sorry heap of worthless Trash reviled by all. The costs have become unbearable.
It does not live so cannot die. We must dispose of it anyway, and we aim for the Sky. We plead for help from the great Mother Earth and Father Sun. Open our senses to the stench of Burning Plastic. Burn our Lungs with Particulates and Smoke. Singe our eyes with the Motes we scatter. Spread sparks of Common Sense wherever Smog may go.
On this eve, the Church of the Holier than Thou, Incorporated ignites this sacrificial pyre, in humble apology to the Planet we call Home. As long as we can live and breathe on this speck of Cosmic Dust, we give Thanks for our Success and Vow to Make Sin Pay.
Thank you, Mother Earth, for deflating false profits and reducing their costs. Our debt to you is incalculable.
Thank you, Father Sun, for your clean nuclear power, the solar system’s eternal source of centralized energy output.
The Loving Lambs of Church of the Holier than Thou, Inc. have watched in Horror as the TechnoDemons befouled the Earth. Their numbers numbed us. Their profits (er . . . prophets) preached Winning by Losing, and promised Eternal Hell. Machine Noise rocked the planet and rattled the Tectonic Plates. We Bleated in Horror, Fear, and Rage, but there was Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. We prayed for Peace and Quiet.
We sighed as they Drowned Porpoises, Paved Neighborhoods, Spilled Oil, Dumped Chemicals, Bulldozed Wildernesses, Polluted Oceans, Pipelined Tundra, Gobbled up Farms, Obscured the Stars, and Obliterated the Sounds of Birds and Breeze. We cried for Mercy as Global Temperatures Rose, Tempers Flared, Ice Caps Melted, the Ozone layer dissipated, and Dynamite collapsed mountains and hills. We watched Mutations and Health Problems Created for Profit and spreading like Cancer. We searched in Vain for Recycling centers, Compost piles, and Locally produced goods.
This Mound of Refuse–papers, plastics, boxes, wraps, junk mail, bubbles, baubles and bills–represents countless Murdered Trees and Earthly Treasures that died for junk mail, propaganda, advertising, photo-ops, cellophane, and disposable containers. Swallowed in the glut (er . . . gut) of Human Consumption, these plundered assets Writhe in Pain. Their pitiful Pleas reach us from Roadsides and Garbage cans, raising Taxes for waste removal. “Stop this Plague upon our Souls,” they cry in tortured sobs.
We at the Church of the Holier than Though, Incorporated, know a Natural Solution when we see one. We will find a way to uplift this junk into Something Useful, so we can Make Sin Pay.
Yes, the Savvy Saints of the Church of the Holier than Thou, Incorporated have lit the solar flares, at last, but we are weary, wary of yet another trick, a Light too Bright to be Natural. But Fear no longer.
The TechnoDemons’ Hot Stocks have Cooked their Geese. The Gold weighs heavy in their Stomachs and Blocks their Bowels. Take Pity, and sell them fresh Vegetables.
We at CHT, Inc. mean Business. We will grow the Economy to Scale. Green leaves and Roughage will prevail. Put methane in cars, corn in stomachs, trans fats in wheel bearings, and soy in tofu. Put the mercury back in thermometers and the lead back in batteries. Shade roofs with solar panels. Generate energy from Landfill. Triple postage rates on junk mail. Clean the ditches with tax collectors. Hire prisoners instead of illegals. Transform scrap metal to passenger trains. Make synthetic hormones from oxidized plastic. Sift sand for silicon. Collect rain on roofs, or whatever it takes, to Make Sin Pay.
We Lobby you, great Mother Earth and Father Sun, to grant our request for Survival Skills Technology. Light our way through the Sewers of Human Degradation, as we seek Natural Markets for these discarded Treasures. We pray for a Healthy Return.
May Sparks from the Fire of this Pyre seed new Trees of Knowledge, wherever particulates drift. Too cumbersome to be mulched, too poisoned to nourish, too diseased to be safe, this Trash has no Market Value, no place to Go but Up.
With a Match and a Blessing, the Church of the Holier than Thou, Incorporated–where nothing is sacred and human sacrifice is obligatory– sets this Sacrificial Offering ablaze. We Pray this Fire will spread Sparks of Enlightenment wherever the Smoke may Blow, and dispel the Mind Pollution that hides the Bottom Line.