Introduction by Dr. Kathorkian, an alter ego: I wrote this prophetic piece in December, 2004, when George W. Bush was president. But Dr. Obama has surpassed him in making the Third Party Payer Shuffle the national mandatory dance.
As long as Juris Doctors are practicing medicine, they should be personally liable for medical malpractice.
THE THIRD PARTY PAYER SHUFFLE
(Danced to the tune of “Tramplin’ Toes”)
The “Third Party Payer Shuffle” is the latest rage in disco health care. It’s a competitive dance, like a game, which combines the benefits of exercise and team sports. It is absolutely fair, because nobody wins.
The Shuffle requires three dancers, who hang arms over shoulders in a tight group hug. They spin in circles, to music that runs backwards.
Dancers maintain steady eye contact while stomping each other’s feet. This hot-footed light-step keeps dancers on their toes and off-balance, so they lean inward for support.
Tornadoes of whirling shufflers have taken the nation by storm. The dance has embraced governments, universities, schools, corporations, hospitals, special interest groups, businesses, and doctor’s offices nationwide. The demand has led to dangerous overcrowding of shuffle facilities.
The star shufflers dance on broken toes and smashed feet. Prized for their courage and praised for their loyalty, the very best continue to spin long after their soles are crushed and bleeding.
When a dancer’s feet cave in, everyone falls, and the partners lose the dance. To solve this problem, the rules have changed to allow more than three shufflers to form a team. This reduces risk for the group and increases the pool of feet. Economists say this will stimulate the economy and contribute to job growth.
But shuffle critics are becoming more vocal. Some, who have never tried the dance, are said to be clumsy, bad dancers, and bad sports.
A growing cohort of maimed ex-shufflers now crowd the sidelines, taunting dancers with boos and catcalls. These detractors take up so much space that everyone insists more facilities would benefit both groups.
Meanwhile, extremist ex-shufflers are using more dangerous tactics. Last week, they staged a crawl on Washington, begging the President to stop the dance. The Department of Homeland Security, claiming it a terrorist act, arrested over 100 ex-shufflers who were screaming bloody murder.
Despite dissent, the shuffle has become so popular that other dances have been abandoned. Shuffle Fever, a non-profit organization and musical group, is hosting large fetes in DC and lobbying Congress to make it the national mandatory dance.
According to a Associated Press poll, most Americans believe this is our most critical political issue.
While generally supportive, some legislators express concern about the cost. Facilities are so crowded that dancers no longer have room to spin, and so loud that no one can hear the music. The Congressional Budget Office says the cost of adding enough facilities to meet demand could exceed all income forever.
The President, a Master Shuffler, discounts the CBO’s pessimistic outlook. Democrats in Congress have taken a loyal stand for the President. They want to make it mandatory in schools and fund lessons for the underprivileged. Republicans are avid shufflers, too. Considering this vigorous bipartisan support, the shuffle will undoubtedly win unlimited funding for more facilities. Giving dancers more room to spin faster will remove them sooner from the dance. This will keep future costs down.
The President is also considering adding a shin-kick step and a head-bash maneuver. Enthusiasts claim this will also reduce costs.