Introduction by Kaka Big Chicken: The media is crowing over the upcoming presidential elections, over a year in advance of The Event. My perennial choice, “None of the Above,” is never on the ballot. However, the federal government seems to be imploding, with no help from me, having borrowed against the future until beyond the time the sun burns out.
BEGGING ME TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
by Katharine C. Otto
I was fantasizing about being begged to run for president.
“No way would I take a government job,” I would say.
“That’s why we want you,” people would respond. “You would downsize government.”
“Eliminate the presidency, then. That would downsize it in a hurry.”
“We need you to do that.”
“OK. I tell you what. No government benefits. I’ll work as an independent contractor. I’ll need about $25,000/year for my use and double that for the vampire that bleeds me in taxes. So, I’ll need about $50,000 the first year, until I abolish the Fed. That should cancel out the national debt, so we won’t need income taxes anymore. The second year, I’ll only need about $25,000 for personal use, so we’ll save money there.
“My second year, I’ll abolish all drug and alcohol laws, so we’ll no longer need the CIA, ATF, FBI, DEA, FDA, CMS, CDC, USDA, Department of Defense, Department of Homeland Security, or the TSA. Then I’ll wait for the private sector to absorb the former government employees.
“My third year, I’ll abolish Congress, the rest of the federal agencies, all government employee and pension programs, and Wall Street.
“My fourth year, I’ll abolish the Supreme Court and cancel all government contracts. Then I’ll resign, because I can’t run the country by myself.
“Either side can terminate with 30 days’ notice, for any reason. The 30 days would give me time to move my stuff out of the White House, so I would not be expected to work as President during that time.
”So these are my terms,” I would say, “and if there’s anything illegal about that, have the US Supreme Court and Congress and whoever is president now change the law so I can run on my own terms.”
“Would you do that for us?” they might ask.
“No way,” I would reply. “Frankly, I think it’s a waste of time, because those dorks can’t agree on anything. Why should I do their job if I’m not getting paid for it? I don’t want this job, remember? You want me to downsize government, so we need to find these clowns work in the private sector so they won’t continue to tax taxpayers.
“Nothing against them, you understand, but I don’t believe paying people to boss me around, or in having more stuff than I need. I have all the assets I can handle, and I just want to coast awhile.”